I cut out an advertisement, out of a magazine, a few weeks back. It shows a girl ofabout 8 or 9 years, standing on what appears to be a beach with sanddunes and grass around her, she's draped a curtain or piece of fabric around herself and is poised as if ready for flight.
She has a look of serenity and confidence usually not seen in one so very young and tender. She's not fat, however she appears to be a child with a large frame.
Of course the ad is for "Curves" and it asks, "When was the last time you felt really proud of yourself"?
I put it on my bedroom wall to remind myself that I have accomplished good things in life, and while there are bloggers here that have told me that, seeing it everyday is truly a positive help. It had been suggested to me that I do something along these lines, by a professional, and while I thought it had merit, couldn't see myself telling my reflection that I'm a good person...
So these last few days I've been asking myself just what do I feel proud of myself for?
Some things came right to the front of my thoughts, taking good care of myself during pregnacy so the babies would be born healthy, working hard, making do with whatever we had "back in the day" when we had to eat oatmeal and pinto beans for 2 weeks, ( for every single meal) until we got paychecks, and then more thoughts crowded in..
I realized that just as in other things, somethings are "a given" meaning that "that's just what you do" it's expected of me.
So what am I proud of myself for? Well for graduating from technical college, at the age of 46, and with honors no less. I believe that my my parents were smiling down and feeling proud too.
I'm proud for doing what wasn't easy to do, making the decision to get my own place, knowing that it would end up with my son in a better place. NOT because I haven't cared about him, rather because he needed to achieve his independence, and he couldn't accomplish that by living with mom...
It's been difficult living alone, again. The whole "empty nest" thing is true. Not just for couples, it's true for "single again" parents. It felt good to have someone rely on me for clean clothes, hot meals, someone to talk to, and in general making life comfortable for them. That wasn't helping him to suceed though, and now he's doing fantastic!
Now when we get together, we do fun things ( such as small towns allow) like lunch and shopping at Wally-World, maybe watching a movie at home, mostly just kicking back and sharing thoughts and feelings. The sharing of thoughts and feelings is more open, more honest, and much more as adults instead of adult child and parent, which is what I'd hoped for.
He's now happy to "go home" to his own place, leaving me with a big hug and a grin, and he calls when he gets there to let me know he's ok. Then it's quiet here, and Chanel meows and jumps up in my lap to comfort me.
Yes, life isn't perfect, some of the stuff that's happened in my 60 years would curl some people's hair, however I take comfort in that my son has grown up healthy and whole, and is happy. I'm so proud of him, he's done good.